Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize