i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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