my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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