don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
