yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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