god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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