Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
