It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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