he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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