I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
