Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm like, not good at living.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
