so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
