So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
