Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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