How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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