My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Can you repeat that, but with context?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
