I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
