I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
