there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
