he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
This is the high leading the old right now
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
