i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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