I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
