there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
