words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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