The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize