How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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