So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
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