woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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