Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
His nipple licking is glorious
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