Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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