I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
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