the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
