Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
