It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
