we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
