So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize
