I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
