My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
BRING THE BAGELS
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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