if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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