Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
