I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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