oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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