Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
