What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
