I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
