I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
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