I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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