My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
