Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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