: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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