But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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