I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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