the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
