just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
