Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
