I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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