I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
