Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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