Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I just googled if crying burns calories
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
