Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize