I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Oh god it's open bar.
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