Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize