Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Randomize