So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
You're so nebulous sometimes
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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