mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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