So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
