If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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