Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
