I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
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