You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
