Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
