You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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